I'm sorry, but I had to update this to write this:

I just spoke to my mother, and she's nagging me again on taking up a career that would make "good money". I'm just so sick of that argument. You'd think that if I was really concerned about good money, I would have gone into the only field I'm interested in (in terms of money)- psychology. But I chose not to- why- because I want to study and practice archaeology. Is that a concept so hard to follow? That I feel that passion overcomes money? I could not end up in a shitty dead-end office job that bores the hell out of me just to make 'good' money. Yes, I realise that most archaeologists get married to people who earn more money, so that they can substantiate themselves, and my chances of getting married are basically, well, null, so it would be more difficult... But it's what I want to do, and I want to do it because it's different- it's who I am.

My mother doesn't even know what's been going on in my life- she doesn't know how much crap I've had to deal with- how I almost regressed into a depressive state simply because I felt so lonely. No, she used to quiz me:

Mum (in a condescending tone): Nishma, do you have any friends?
Me: Yes
Mum: Then how come I never hear of them? How come you don't spend all your time with them?
Me: Because they don't live in London
Mum: Then you should make more friends with people who do live in London.
Me: Yes, Mum.

I know, it's not like we ever talked about anything- ever. Like, she didn't even know how everything stuffed up at school in Year 10, or anything. It was so easy to act in front of her- pretending that everything was fine. That was the worst year of my life, and she couldn't even tell the difference, because I was still bringing home the marks she wanted. I don't think she's ever been able to understand anything about my life- except when the time when certain people in the Gujarati community in Perth just, overnight, stopped talking to me- which meant I had no friends for community occasions. That was the only time she ever knew anything. The only time.

Maybe I'm just tired of being Indian. I hate the way that everyone in the community judges you, and how 'typical' British/Aussie Indians behave- it's so fake. It's like as if everyone doesn't give a damn about anything other than themselves. The thing is, although I love the fact that I am of Indian origin, it doesn't mean I condone everything that Indian people here do. And nor does it mean I have to hang out with them. For so many of them, they just would not understand me (talking about philosophy or current affairs has not helped my case, I've noted). So they shouldn't expect my friends to be like typical Indian friends. In fact, in most cases, Pakistani people are actually easier to get along with, because they actually know what's going on in the world!

I'm tired of all this rubbish. I'm tired of being judged, and caring about what other people are thinking. I'm tired of trying to figure out what people are thinking of me. I'm exhausted of thinking people think something awful of me, when they actually are not. I wish people were more blunt, and just told you exactly what they think of you. It just makes life so much easier. Just tell me what you think straight-forwardly, and it would solve a million problems.

The more I look into it, the more I realise that everyone is just facing life's challenges, and, ultimately, are extremely insecure. Every reaction by those around me are in defence of themselves. People who are overly confident are just trying to protect themselves, and convince themselves that they are alright, and that their life is going to alright- that's how they become arrogant. Similarly, those who divulge into narcotics and toxins are simply trying to avoud facing a harsh reality. The interesting thing, is all of these people I have been observing are those who think a lot, and perhaps think too much. Because, once you start thinking too much, you realise how you can't relate too much to people, and therefore you feel lost, and extremely alone. You also realise that any ideologies you may have believed in- well they're all rubbish.

It's no wonder that Kennedy was drinking so much, he had ideas which would never work in this sort of a social community. Everyone has ways of coping. I don't know how I manage- probably by shutting myself away, and not talking or mixing with people, but some people would turn to drink or drugs or whatever makes them feel safe. The point is mainly, that no-one is really that happy. And somehow, all I can see, is society, and students dying for some sort of academic challenge, suffering in their own misery.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother to get up in the morning, the whole experience of dealing with other people is so much effort- it's so much easier to live in your own little world and hide away- but that is not going to happen. You can't just grovel in the shit, you've got to go out and make a difference. You have to deal with life and face your obstacles because otherwise nothing is going to change. It's the madness of the shit that keeps everyone going.

I'm going mad. Next week is going to be crazy. I have to make an effort to socialise with people, and saying hello. I just need to let go of my social phobia, and deal with all of this. I am going to go out and do something.

Anyways back to work.

For your amusement:
On Oct. 17, 1678, the body of Sir Edmund Berry Godfrey was discovered in a field near the present Regent's Park called Greenbury Hill. Later three men were executed for the murder. Their names were Green, Berry, and Hill.

Edit: Just saying a BIG thank you to Max and Anna, who introduced me to 'The Dresden Dolls'- am very much enjoying their music right now

Do you know that feeling when you think that someone has seen right through you? Well, that's kind of exactly what happened yesterday. Someone, (I don't want to go into details as this person may not read this now, but could in the near future), basically said something which kind of targetted the reason for a lot of my problems. Anyhow, it was just a side comment, and I've decided not to look into it too deeply.

In other random note, I've been 'elected' as treasurer for our People and Planet society next year. Elected meaning that I was the only candidate, and therefore, well, yeah. I ended up with the job next year. Also, if I make a decent enough speech next monday, I may end up with Webmistress of the Debating website. That is if people don't kill me in the process- which may actually happen, considering that I am, me. Next year is going to be very exciting, and very,very busy. I'm looking forward to it.

I've just applied for a course in Global Environmental Issues offered by the Geology department, and am desperately hoping I can get it. It would be a brilliant course to take, and well, basically would be really interest to learn about. However, since I have not taken anything in Geology before, I may not be able to take it. I can only hope.

I'm sure you're quite bored of me right now, and I have to focus on this Hittite essay, so I should just work on it now (only 720 words so far, out of 2500!), so I will put up another update some other time.

In the meanwhile, For most folks, no news is good news; for the press, good news is not news. -Gloria Borger

Excuse the madness of this entry- it's a result of a very sore throat, and a loss of voice, and a lack of sleep. Basically, this is all due to a very interesting debating competition (IV) I had the opportunity to attend at Manchester. I don't quite know how to feel about it. We did really well (my debating partner and I), and came 14th out of 44, but that was mainly due to the lack of Oxbridge teams there- at least that's what the cynical part of me argues. Socially, some very interesting situations- a certain 'drunk' person dancing, a sign post, and snow. Yes it snowed this morning in Manchester- large pretty flakes, which were just wonderful.

I don't know quite how to feel. I made a fool out of myself in front of the Imperial people (who, in the end, I followed about), but at the same time, I had a really good time. It's come to my attention now, that the main reason I have been so miserable and pathetic is because I lack self-confidence. I realised this at Manchester, which was the most strange of all realisations. Nonetheless, I have decided now to just talk to people a lot more. Say hi, and, yes, say hello.

In other notes, in the wild mind of Nishma, you will learn that she is going to open up a new blog (when she has time- simply because she has no clue how she is going to hand in an essay on Tuesday, and another on Thursday). This will focus on philosophy/news/etc, whilst this one will remain as a kind-of online diary (with random things, and updates, so that you know what is happening in my life). So, yup, watch out for that one. I won't be 'PhiloNysh' or 'Nysh' in it either, btw.

Now to turn to the Hittite Empire (1400-1200BC). Fun, fun, fun...

Just some news links you might find interesting:

- Iran, Nuclear Technology and Oil
- Melosevic dies: A natural 'heart attack' or not?
- Emissions keep rising- Kyoto Protocol?

I wrote a very stupid entry yesterday. There is nothing wrong with me. I was just on a low. SORRY.

I have deleted it, in case you were wondering

If you are at UCL, then go and sign the GO GREEN petition (you know you want to)!

Procrastination is an evil tool, used by those capable to concentrate, upon those whose minds are working quite somewhere else. In fact, when writing an essay on the definition of 'urbanism' it is quite easy to have your mind floating elsewhere, anywhere in the expanse of time, actually.

I want to change this layout, it's beginning to bore me (though, I have to say I love it). But I think it will be a while before I even have enough time to do so. I have an essay due in today (since it is 1.25am) which I'm only about halfway through. Then I have another essay due next Tuesday (14th), and the Thursday after that (16th). This is going to be a long couple of weeks.

Somehow, I wish I had something witty and funky to say- Steph always manages to make her entries exceeding exciting- but I don't. All I have to say is that John Gray is amazing. Yes, if you have not read it (particularly you, Anna), you should and must read Straw Dogs. Very interesting outlook on life, and not really depressing (as a lot of Philosophers are).

Hm... This is a very pointless entry- but then again, pointlessness is a particular trait I exhibit, so I guess it's not that unusual. Randomly, my cousin pointed out to be today that I am very 'complex' and that no-one can 'read' or understand me. I beg to agree. Acting is the very thing which is so easy when you've been action in front of people your whole life. Wearing your emotions on your sleeve is not smart when you know that would be the line in which anyone could attack you. Therefore, the safest thing to do is to live in your own world- butterfly world- as people from my primary school used to call it (and apparently 'diss' me about it, though I was mostly ignorant of this issue). I can remember being a rather complex character at primary school as well actually. It was a commonly held misconception that I actually liked a boy who was, how do I put this, not even someone I would have considered. *Cringes on the thought*. Funny how much primary school can have an impact on you- sometimes I wish I could just take those memories and flush them down the toilet. It would make my life so much simpler.

Funny, though, even though acting is so simple, and done everyday, it doesn't make me feel at all safe. In fact I feel more vulnerable than ever.

But don't mistake that comment, I'm not depressed, if anything, I'm happy. I'm happy because I've learnt a lot over this year, and because I know I am capable of things. I have a future (if this essay goes well, which it won't, but anyway), and that future can be anything. I'm lucky because I have a warm roof over my head, enough food to make me obese, family and friends who I know are there, and because there's hope.

One thing I'll never forget is how to smile, because that little upturning of the lips makes my day. Smile, it sets you free.